06-15-11 Letters I’ve written, never meaning to send.

06-15-11

Letters I’ve written, never meaning to send.
But I love you…

4 miles

It was chilly this morning, but the  sun was shining. Sure more like two days ago than yesterday. I’ll take it.
I have two more days here and plan to pump out a lot of pst days and get a feww things written about all the times I spent with family and  friends. You see I haven’t written more than a page or two about the times I was hosted by them. Only one page about Texas. Only a page about Florida. I did complete Georgia, but late. Only  the first day at my friends in Hilton Head. SC (though I do have notes written) and I did catch up on Oklahoma. But nothing for Colorado. And missing 4 days in Iowa. Why? Many reasons. I was doing too much those weeks. Either driving from place to  place or spending time “doing things” and going places with friends or relatives. But I suspect there is also a hesitance in writing about friends and relations and my take on things. Fear of offence, fear of omission, respect for privacy…well, who are we kidding here, maybe it’s decorum, or manners.
Or I haven’t processed it all yet.
They were good times, mostly. There is always the thought in the back of my head - sure they love me, but how long is too long? How much of an imposition am I causing? And then there is just the tumult of life. For instance, Colorado. How do I talk about the Joy of seeing an old college friend, a pen-pal musician friend and his wife for the first time; My “god-daughter” and a sister of my sisters (for lack of a better description, though I think of her as another sister.) And my nieces and nephews and :grandnieces (is that even a category?) Juxtapose that with the death of my youngest nephew two days after I arrive at the age of 29. I could have seen him the night before, but he didn’t come over. A whirlwind week that I’m still trying to sort out , what to tell, who to include, what impressions to express; what to keep to myself.
Writing of this sort is hard. It doesn’t “roll from my fingers on to the screen willingly. There is much ado  about something in my mind for these days.
And these are the days that will be coming up shortly as I am nearly cleared of all other backlog (save the transcriptions of the audio interviews) I am confronted, but determined to cut a swath through those days and perhaps even before I leave this state. (North Dakota). Some new friends have a blog called “The Blank Rectangle” that refers to this state, because  it’s sort of the look people give when North Dakota is mentioned. What people get when they try to imagine what that state shape contains. Well I have another view of this phenomenon. It comes from the idea that nature abhors a vacuum. That in meditation, one lets thoughts fly up to clear the space for creative idea to enter. Where creating a clearing opens a space for things to enter.
I am clearing a space so new thins can enter. And to do so I need to get these past days out and posted, so that I only have the prior day to record.
Today’s post is not so much about what I did today and my focus. I have written up about 9 days worth and posted nearly that many. It’s almost 9 pm, the sun is still out and I think I have another two days worth of writing I’ll be able to do in the tent before I close the book on this day.
Other than exploring the little town of  New Salem this afternoon and visiting the grocery and two gas stations this afternoon, no reall “activity’ of note beside walking Mischa around and swatting  away mosquitoes happened. And tomorrow will be the same.
I hope to have some astounding discovery, insight or meeting  tomorrow, but the odds are against it.
Not everyday will be exciting. Not every day will be memorable. Look at your own lives. 
Fritter and waste your hours in a offhand way, indeed.
I’m sitting here, in a park, near a small town in North Dakota.
It’s 9 pm, the sun is still out. The weather is still warm. And I feel like I’ve done a good days work.
And I’m ok with all that.
Tomorrow it could storm. (It’s not supposed to - but it could)
I’ll take it as it comes. As long as I get another day of accomplishment like today.
I’m good with that.