Chapter 1: 01-11-11 Expecting to Fly

01-11-11

Expecting to fly

Camped at Casper’s Wilderness the night before. Dog’s not allowed, but I wasn’t told and I didn’t ask so they let me & Mischa stay the one night. Even gave me a discount - $15.
Went to stay the next two nights with Old friends, The Hydeman’s. It was nice to see them, have access to a bath and a bathroom in the middle of the night. I tried to cook for them but they had meals already planned.
I ate too well, which seems to be common with my hosts.
I’ve got my own food and am way far from starving, but of course, thankful for their kindnesses.
But it’s not food I’m hungry for. It’s purpose. Contribution. Validity for my day.
When I’m camping there’s been little to do after putting up the tent. When I’m at a friend’s home I follow their plans and try not to disturb their habits. I felt guilty about having my hosts have to sign back into their  FB or mail accounts several; times a day.
I started noticing the habits of a home and thinking about what “home” means. Obviously different things for different people. I noticed as I’d packed up my many possessions for storage home much my things “owned” me in many ways. And I noticed it in my friends as well. Finished with a days work, it was dinner, TV, maybe a movie or some music…then sleep. I had had that pattern myself. But I was not a participant any longer. Jackson Browne first voiced “They’re lost inside their houses, there’s no time to find them now”. We’d never have been  the people Jackson wrote about…but somehow…we did. Natural progression. Lethargy.  Just plain tired and seeking the path of least resistance.
I felt like an outsider to life. I didn’t have that lethargy. I was on pins & needles feeling on the verge of unexplored territory. Excited; frightened, but anticipatory.
I stood on the edge of a feather…expecting…something.